SQ Week Day 1: Confessions
by JumptheThunder
Summary: My first submission for Swan Queen Week (August 2016). This one takes place just after they returned from the Underworld, after Robin has died but before his funeral. I took the liberty of assuming a couple of days would pass between those two events. What happens when Regina realizes that Robin might not have been her last chance at love?


Prompt 1: Confessions

Regina Mills couldn't sleep. The clock was creeping past 3am and yet there was no rest to be found. Not that she'd ever found much serenity in sleep, not as a child, not as the Evil Queen, and not in her many years in Storybrooke. And yet, tonight's sleeplessness was proving most troublesome.

She stood by the window in her bedroom, her real bedroom, gazing at the real moon and not some sepia-toned underworld imitation of it. She should find comfort in being home once more, but instead she felt nothing but trepidation. She wrapped her arms around herself, pulling the thick sweater she wore so tightly that it was very nearly uncomfortable. Somehow being physically uncomfortable seemed fitting given how off-kilter she felt emotionally.

Robin's funeral was two days away...more like 1 and a half at this point. It all still felt so unreal, so impossibly unfair. But then again, when had anything in Regina's life, especially her love life, ever been fair? As Robin had fallen to the floor at her feet, his soul vanishing before her eyes, Regina had fully expected the Evil Queen she kept buried deep within to come flying out, all gleeful cruelty bent on revenge. And yet, first minutes then hours, then a day ticked by and, mourn as she might, no overwhelming darkness crept forth, no desire to seek violent retribution on anyone however loosely involved in Robin's perishing took over. She simply shut herself away and absorbed the reality that she was once again alone. Only in her solitude did she begin to dwell on a nagging little something that she had been doing her best to ignore. As painful as losing Robin had been, it was the realization that had come along with his death that had Regina so on edge.

 _"That's what True Love is, it's sacrifice. It's giving up everything for the person you love."_

She said it herself. She'd said it with such conviction yet she hadn't really known the greater meaning behind her words, not at the time. Not until her mind began replaying Robin leaping in front of her and absorbing the deadly blow from the Olympian crystal only to have the image blur and blend with another, and then another...long blond hair and red leather shoving through an angry mob, pleading eyes and "Maybe we can", shaking hands and barely contained tears in green eyes looking down at her while blood slipped through tan leather and over her fingers, a gleaming dagger thrust skyward and pained cries as the darkness moved in.

Her heart ached for Robin, it ached for the goodness of a man now lost to the world. It ached for a daughter who would grow up never knowing her father and a little boy who had lost his hero. It ached because he had loved her, truly, and she had been so honored to have his love. But she didn't long for him the way she expected to, she didn't rage for him the way she expected to. Most surprisingly of all, she didn't yearn to take her sorrow and anger out on Emma Swan for having dragged them all into this mess. Instead she was left with one incredible bit of knowledge.

When it came down to it, if the choice were between the woman she'd come to see as the best friend she'd ever had or the man she was told by fairy dust was her soulmate, she would always chose Emma. If she could only keep one in her life, it would be Emma. If she had to risk her life and the lives of almost everyone else she had grown to care for in order to help Emma, save Emma, or ensure Emma's happiness, she would. Regina would sacrifice anything and everything to keep Emma safe and whole.

Regina Mills had, somewhere along her twisted path, fallen in love with the very woman she'd thought was meant to break her. So now she stood alone, as she had been so many times in her life, staring out at the moon with only her own arms to comfort her.

A frantic knocking shattered the silence of the pre-dawn morning, echoing throughout the mansion.

* * *

Before Regina could gather her wits and make her way to the door, a strangled voice rang out.

"Regina! Regina let me in! REGINA!" The last syllable of her name had barely left drawn lips when she flung the door open, revealing a damp and thoroughly unhinged looking Savior on her doorstep.

"Emma?" She whispered, astonished to see the woman she'd just been contemplating in such a state, here, at this hour. "What's wrong? Is it Henry?"

Her brain immediately began attempting to sort through possibilities, determine what threat could have found them less than 48 hours after they'd finally turned Hades to dust. Ignoring her questions, Emma barreled into her entryway and began pacing, one hand coming up to grip her head, pulling hairs lose from her already messy ponytail, while the other pounded away on her breast bone.

"I can't handle this. I don't...he was there, we could have...I should have...why did this happen? It's all my fault, and I don't know what to do!" She ranted as she paced, words coming out jumbled, thoughts unfinished as she gasped for air around choked sobs.

"Emma, slow down. What is going on?" No response. "Emma." She tried again, louder, moving to put herself in Emma's path only to have her counterpart spin on her heal and continue her raving in the other directions. "MISS SWAN!" Regina bellowed, putting all the no-nonsense Madame Mayor she could into her tone. It worked, snapping Emma immediately towards her and stilling all but the hand clenching and unclenching the cream sweater where it lay just over her heart.

"Regina," Emma began again, quieter this time though her words shook with barely reigned in emotions, "I need you to take it out. I can't live like this. Please." Her eyes were glistening, swimming in tears that Regina was sure she wasn't aware were already streaming down her cheeks.

"Miss Swan, are you asking me to remove your heart?" Regina kept her voice steady and serious, with only the slightest hint of incredulity in her tone to show Emma how ridiculous this whole idea was. Emma cocked her head to one side, her brows furrowing and jaw setting as her lips slid into a deeper frown.

"Don't. Don't 'Miss Swan' me. Not now Regina."

Regina's shoulders sagged, her always regal posture giving way to slouched exhaustion. Her fingers came up to pinch the bridge of her nose as she sighed.

"I'm sorry Emma." Her voice was barely above a whisper, her hand moving to push her long dark locks back from her face. When she looked back up she was surprised to see Emma looking at her inquisitively, her rapid breathing the only remainder of the emotional mess she'd been when she had arrived moments earlier. They stood in a semi-awkward silence, Regina waiting for Emma to break it with whatever was clearly on her mind. Seconds ticked by on the nearby grandfather clock, and still Emma remained silent. With nothing to distract her, Regina found herself carefully taking in the woman before her. Her blonde hair, though pulled into ponytail, seemed limp and lifeless, retaining almost none of the bouncy curl it had once held. It appeared that she was still wearing the same dark, tight jeans she'd worn since they'd all ventured to the underworld, the fabric marred by smudges of dirt and dust, much like her now well-worn knee high black boots. Gone, however, was Emma's seemingly omni-present red leather jacket, replaced instead by a cable knit cream sweater under which Regina could just see the dirty sleeves of the waffle-knit shirt Emma hadn't taken off in weeks. What struck Regina suddenly, making her heart seize in her chest, what that she knew this outfit. It was the near spitting image of one the memory of which was forever burned into her mind. Though the pants had been slightly bluer (and, not that she'd admit she'd noticed, even tighter), and there'd been no soiled Henley, the resemblance to the very outfit Emma had been wearing on the fateful night when she'd foolishly thrown herself into the darkness was startling. With the images of that night playing once again behind her eyes, the images of Robin's death returned, and along with them the unsettling realization of just how much the woman before her meant to Regina.

Unsure of just when she'd moved closer to Emma, or perhaps it was Emma who had moved, Regina found herself brought back to the present as she watched her own hand reach out, trailing fingertips ever so gently down Emma's cheek, collecting the slightest wetness from the tear tracks that remained. Finally, Emma's voice broke the silence.

"Please Regina, I know you can feel it too. You _have_ to feel it too. I can't live like this. I can't _feel_ like this anymore. It _hurts_ Regina. Please tell me you understand." And of course, Regina did. She knew exactly the pain Emma was suffering. Emma had lost the man she loved not once, but twice. All hope for a reunion through the power of true love torn away just when it seemed like they would succeed. Emma's hand found it's way to Regina's chest, settling over her aching heart. "I know you understand." Her words were an aggressive whisper, the hand over Regina's heart pressing almost too hard.

"Of course I understand, Emma, more than you know. But I won't do what you're asking. I can't, I won't do that do you." She found herself surprised by the fact that all of this, Emma coming here with her broken heart and begging for Regina to understand her pain, hadn't enraged her. In years past, perhaps even just weeks past, Regina would have closed herself off and lashed out, taunting and teasing Emma, mocking her feelings and pushing her as far away as possible. But this time, in this moment, this night, all she could feel was her heart almost literally calling out for Emma's, wanting nothing more than to take away the heartbreak she knew so well and wished so desperately that she could have prevented Emma from ever having to feel (ironic, yes, considering so much of Emma's earlier heartbreaks in life had been a direct result of Regina's own actions). Emma hung her head, shaking it back and forth slowly in response to Regina's refusal, stray strands of hair tumbling forward.

"You have to, Regina. You have to take it out of me. I can't do it myself, I tried, God I tried, but it won't work." Emma's fingers curled as spoke, digging into the skin of Regina's chest. Shaking her head sadly, Regina replied,

"It won't help, Emma. Trust me, I know. I've tried to leave my heart behind to protect myself, to ease the pain, but it was your mother that convinced me to put it back in and live with my heartbreak. I've seen what not having a heart does to you, I was raised by the effects of it. It won't make anything better. It will take away who you are. You'll be numb."

"Numb is better than this. Anything has to be better than this." Emma hissed through clenched teeth.

"Anything? Really? The complete lack of strong feelings, both bad _and_ good? The inability to ever connect, truly connect with another human being? The inability to love your family, to love our son?" As she spoke, Regina pressed into Emma's hand, stepping further into her personal space, getting right in her face the way they always used to when finding and pushing one another's buttons. She knew she'd hit a soft spot mentioning Emma's family, the one she had longed for and finally found, and she could see the conflict in the other woman's eyes.

"I know you miss him Emma. I know it hurts, but your heart will heal. You can love again. You have to believe that or you'll become like me, and you're too good for that." There was another long pause, the only sound that of their heavy, emotion laden breathing. Emma's eyes were clouded and thoughtful, her brow still tense.

"What if it happens again? How can I love again knowing that every time I do I lose? How will I survive that?" Her voice was nothing more than a broken whisper, something that would have been nearly unintelligible were they standing any further apart.

"You will. I have." Regina attempted a supportive smile be feared it came out more pained than anything else.

"Have you? Have you really survived losing Robin, losing your soulmate? Can you honestly tell me, Regina, that you will ever love again? And don't say you love Henry, you and I both know that's not what I mean." Regina closed her eyes against Emma's intense stare, stealing herself, searching for the strength to be honest with this woman who had earned at least that much. She inhaled deeply, the breath stuttering a little as it filled her lungs.

"Yes, Emma, I have. I will love again," another breath, eyes stilled closed as she took a beat, then another, pulling on every bit of bravery she could muster and cautiously, finally opening them as what felt like the most dangerous words she'd ever spoken slipped out on her exhale, "I do."

For a long moment the Savior simply blinked at her, seemingly struggling to comprehend the meaning behind Regina's words. With no more strength to speak but the burning need to make Emma understand, Regina lifted her own hand to Emma's chest and rested it over what she could feel was a thundering heart, mimicking the placement of Emma's over her own. A voice in the back of her mind, perhaps the Evil Queen herself, was screaming at her with all her might, shouting that this was possibly the most idiotic thing she'd ever done, that she would never learn the lesson that love was weakness, the lesson it seemed her entire life was built to teach her. Her bruised, battered, and blackened heart was seizing and quivering in her chest, and she wondered suddenly if she would actually survive if Emma were to walk away from her now. A deep and bone shaking panic was just beginning to rise from her stomach to her throat when Emma's voice broke through, a hint of wonder mixed in with her tightly pained tone,

"I won't survive losing love again. Losing you will be the end of me." A soft gasp escaped Regina's lips. For all her need, however foolish it seemed, to express her feelings to this incredible, amazing, surprising, irritating woman, she honestly did not, could not believe that she'd hear them reflected back at her. In a tone far closer to that of a long since lost 18 year old girl grasping at fairytales in back of a stable, Regina managed one quiet word,

"Me?"

For the first time in so very long a smile spread across Emma's lips, reacting to the tender youth in Regina's voice, immediately replacing some of the deep set sorrow around her eyes with just a hint of mirth. Her words were watery as her eyes filled with fresh tears.

"Yes, you Regina. That's why I need my heart gone, everyone I lo...I care for, I lose them. I can't lose you." The Savior's bravery failed her mid confession, but the meaning behind her words was not lost on Regina. Regina laughed then, something between a cackle and a hysterical giggle.

"Oh you idiot. Don't you know that that's my line?" With a burst of confidence, Regina plowed onwards, suddenly more certain of what she wanted to say than she had ever been before. She pulled her hand from Emma's chest and grasped the one that remained on hers. "Don't you see, Emma? It's too late. I know what my heart feels, and I know that whether I admit it or not, it still wants what it wants. I love you, Emma Swan. I know I shouldn't. I wish I didn't. But it's too late for me." Tears began to stream from her eyes, but she forced herself to continue. "And I am so sorry, so so sorry Emma. I wish I could protect you from this," she pounded their joined hands against her chest for emphasis, "I wish I could save you from this, and I know that in loving you I may well kills us both, but it's too late and I'm sorry." By the time the words were out she was sobbing, the sounds escaping her lips brittle and raw, so far from the poised and refined woman she tried to always project. It had been so long since she'd felt something this deeply wonderful and yet soul crushingly brutal all at once and she found herself wondering idly if just the confession of love might be the thing to actually break her damaged heart, but then, with no warning there were lips on hers, tentative yet firm. The kiss was not what you would call good, it was far too wet from tear soaked cheeks and broken by shuddering sobs, and yet it was everything and it was perfect. A burning, extraordinary warmth started deep in Regina's belly, moving up and exploding from her chest followed immediately by a pulse of blinding light jolting the two panting women apart just enough to break the kiss. Eyes closed and chests heaving, they rested their foreheads against one another. Regina lifted one hand to ever so tenderly cup Emma's cheek.

"You feel it too." She said in awe, her tone somewhere between a statement and a nervous question even though both women knew full well what that burst of light had meant.

"I feel it too." Emma pulled open her eyes, nuzzling into Regina's touch to draw the other woman's gaze back to meet her own. "Don't you leave me, Regina. It'll be the death of me if you break my heart." A full bodied laugh broke from Regina's lips then, finding a ridiculous humor in Emma's statement as she thought back on their history together.

"I guess we're safe then, my dear, as it seems that no matter how hard I try I just can't rid myself of you." Emma too laughed at this, unable to help herself as the absurdity of what appeared to be fate's sense of humor set in. As their laughter calmed the two women found there lips pushed together once more, this kiss slower and deeper, lingering longer. After unknown minutes Emma spoke, a quiet whisper right into Regina's mouth.

"What now? Where do we go with this Regina? How do we do this?" Regina clasped a hand around Emma's wrist and pulled back, beginning to move from the entryway and up the stairs towards the center of her home, earning her a confused head tilt from the Savior.

"Come to bed, Emma. It's late, I don't know about you but I'm exhausted."

"But..."

"We can worry about forever tomorrow, my dear. It's forever after all, it's not going anywhere tonight."

And so Emma surrendered to Regina's pull and followed her first into the foyer, then to the stairs, and eventually to a bedroom that was so unfamiliar and yet felt like home all at once. They climbed into the bed, Emma wrapping herself immediately and almost too tightly around Regina. As the sky was just starting to show the slightest hints of light from the dawn of a new day, Regina could swear her bed had never before felt so safe and warm. None of this would be easy, of that she was sure. The morning would bring fears and questions, the idea of forever a terrifying concept for two women who'd never seen anything but sorrow result from matters of the heart. But now, while there was still darkness in the sky and the calm stillness of the night to cradle them, they would sleep, neither questioning the way their heartbeats aligned so perfectly, nor how it was that they were each as aware of the other's as they were of their own.

The last thought that drifted through Regina's tired mind was one that, at any other time, should have induced an incredible ire, but instead found her smiling and turning into Emma's hold, nestling her head into blonde locks.

 _"True Love"_ she thought and, as if Emma had heard it, the other woman sighed quietly, speaking though clearly already half asleep,

"I can't lose you Regina. No matter what, I will always find you."

For the first time those words, that annoying mantra so favored by the Charmings, caused no discomfort nor jealousy within Regina's soul. It was simply a statement she now knew to be deeply and irrevocably true.

"And I you, Emma. Always."


End file.
